IT IS EASIER TO TEACH CHILDREN THAN TO BUILD
THEIR CHARACTERS
by
Syarif Hidayat
It
is easy to educate our children to become clever individuals as there are many
FINE schools and universities available almost everywhere as long as we have
enough money to finance their education. But it is very difficult to build
their own characters to become FINE and well-behaved individuals lawfully and
religiously!
Beside
the caring parents and the good education, they also need good examples from
their parents and the society especially the public figures such as honest and
well-behaved bureaucrats, politicians, religious leaders as well as the other
public figures.
Islam
has been advocating education as a social necessity for over 1400 years. The
Qur’an and the Hadiths (sayings of the Prophet Mohammed peace be upon him)
explicitly emphasise the importance of education; in Islam seeking education is
obligatory for every Muslim, male and female. Indeed the acquisition of
knowledge and the use of this knowledge for the betterment of humanity is seen
as a sacred duty for Muslims.
This
importance of education is basically for two reasons. Education makes man a
right thinker. Without education, no one can think properly in an appropriate
context you. It tells man how to think and how to make decision. The second
reason for the importance of education is that only through the attainment of
education, man is enabled to receive information from the external world. It is
well said that "Without education, man is as though in a closed room
and with education he finds himself in a room with all its windows open towards
outside world."
Islam
attaches great importance to knowledge and education
This
is why Islam attaches such great importance to knowledge and education. When
the Quran began to be revealed, the first word of its first verse was 'Iqra'
that is, read: The first verses of the Quran began with the word: In the Name
of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful. "Read. Read in the name of
thy Lord who created; [He] created the human being from blood clot. Read in the
name of thy Lord who taught by the pen: [He] taught the human being what he did
not know." (Al Qur’an, Surah Al Alaq, Surah, Verses: 1-5).
The
reflective book of Holy Quran is so rich in content and meaning that if the
history of human thought continues forever, this book is not likely to be read
to its end. Every day it conveys a new message to the humanity. Every morning,
it gives us new thoughtful ideas and bound us in the boundaries of ethics.
Islamic
Education is one of the best systems of education, which makes an ethical
groomed person with all the qualities, which he/she should have as a human
being. The Western world has created the wrong image of Islam in the world.
They don't know that our teachings are directly given to us from Allah SWT, who
is the creator of this world, through our Prophets.
Islam
also emphasizes the importance of children education. All the teachers of
either secular or religious education should give more attention to the pupils
inside the classroom. It is necessary that in the Islamic system that we should
consider these dear children as our own children, and put aside all other
considerations, and rise above all such things and realize our duty and our
mission.
We should raise the standards of education and
attend to the needs of these children. We should realize our duties with
earnestness and awaken to the sense of responsibility. It has been seen that
there are certain teacher who are not fulfilling their duties with keen
interest. I would like to request all the teachers that for the sake of God,
for the sake of your revolutionary duty, teach the children with devotion and
dedication.
Character building
It is important that we advance our work
through discussions, debates, studies, and through proper distribution of work
among ourselves. We should make our child enthusiastic, dynamic, and this
search should pervade every corner of our society. We should aspire them to be
truthful and sincere.
Self-sacrifice
and generosity, love of freedom, the resolve for resistance and headstrong
perseverance, the courage to welcome martyrdom-all these are the new values of
the new generation, which should be taught according to the teaching of Islam.
The doors of the school should always be kept open for the sake of Islam, for
the sake of the Muslim Ummah.
Our
Prophet PBUH warns all Muslims to give attention to Children education in one
of the hadiths: Once Abu Umamah asked Prophet Muhammad PBUH about the rights of
parents over their children. The Prophet replied, "They are your
Paradise and they are your Hell." - Reported by Abu Umamah.
For the character building, Allah SWT says in
Al-Qur’an: “When you are greeted with a greeting, greet in return with
what is better than it, or (at least) return it equally. Certainly, Allâh is
Ever a Careful Account Taker of all things.” (Al-Qur’an, Surah An-Nisa,
Verse: 86).
“And
let those (executors and guardians) have the same fear in their minds as they
would have for their own, if they had left weak offspring behind. So let them
fear Allâh and speak right words.” (Al-Qur’an, Surah An-Nisa, Verse: 9)
"O my son!(said Luqman) If it be
(anything) equal to the weight of a grain of mustard seed, and though it be in
a rock, or in the heavens or in the earth, Allâh will bring it forth. Verily,
Allâh is Subtle (in bringing out that grain), Well¬Aware (of its place).
"O my son! Aqim¬As¬Salât (perform As¬Salât), enjoin (on people) Al¬Ma'rûf
(Islâmic Monotheism and all that is good), and forbid (people) from Al¬Munkar
(i.e. disbelief in the Oneness of Allâh, polytheism of all kinds and all that
is evil and bad), and bear with patience whatever befalls you. Verily, these
are some of the important commandments (ordered by Allâh with no exemption).
"And turn not your face away from men with pride, nor walk in insolence
through the earth. Verily, Allâh likes not any arrogant boaster. "And be
moderate (or show no insolence) in your walking, and lower your voice. Verily,
the harshest of all voices is the braying of the ass." See you not (O men)
that Allâh has subjected for you whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is
in the earth, and has completed and perfected His Graces upon you, (both)
apparent (i.e Islâmic Monotheism, and the lawful pleasures of this world,
including health, good looks, etc.) and hidden [i.e. One's Faith in Allâh (of
Islâmic Monotheism) knowledge, wisdom, guidance for doing righteous deeds, and
also the pleasures and delights of the Hereafter in Paradise]? Yet of mankind
is he who disputes about Allâh without knowledge or guidance or a Book giving
light!” (Al-Qur’an, Surah Luqman, Verses: 16 – 20)
A
Moral Child
Adam
Grant in
his article titled “Bringing up a moral child” published in www.nytimes.com writes What does it
take to be a good parent? We know some of the tricks for teaching kids to
become high achievers. For example, research suggests that when parents praise
effort rather than ability, children develop a stronger work ethic and become
more motivated.
Yet
although some parents live vicariously through their children’s
accomplishments, success is not the No. 1 priority for most parents. We’re much
more concerned about our children becoming kind, compassionate and helpful.
Surveys reveal that in the United States, parents from European, Asian,
Hispanic and African ethnic groups all place far greater importance on caring
than achievement. These patterns hold around the world: When people in 50
countries were asked to report their guiding principles in life, the value that
mattered most was not achievement, but caring.
Despite
the significance that it holds in our lives, teaching children to care about
others is no simple task. In an Israeli study of nearly 600 families, parents
who valued kindness and compassion frequently failed to raise children who
shared those values.
Are
some children simply good-natured — or not? For the past decade, I’ve been
studying the surprising success of people who frequently help others without
any strings attached. As the father of two daughters and a son, I’ve become
increasingly curious about how these generous tendencies develop.
Genetic
twin studies suggest that anywhere from a quarter to more than half of our
propensity to be giving and caring is inherited. That leaves a lot of room for
nurture, and the evidence on how parents raise kind and compassionate children
flies in the face of what many of even the most well-intentioned parents do in
praising good behavior, responding to bad behavior, and communicating their
values.
By
age 2, children experience some moral emotions
By
age 2, children experience some moral emotions — feelings triggered by right
and wrong. To reinforce caring as the right behavior, research indicates,
praise is more effective than rewards. Rewards run the risk of leading children
to be kind only when a carrot is offered, whereas praise communicates that
sharing is intrinsically worthwhile for its own sake. But what kind of praise
should we give when our children show early signs of generosity?
Many
parents believe it’s important to compliment the behavior, not the child — that
way, the child learns to repeat the behavior. Indeed, I know one couple who are
careful to say, “That was such a helpful thing to do,” instead of, “You’re a
helpful person.”
But
is that the right approach? In a clever experiment, the researchers Joan E.
Grusec and Erica Redler set out to investigate what happens when we commend
generous behavior versus generous character. After 7- and 8-year-olds won
marbles and donated some to poor children, the experimenter remarked, “Gee, you
shared quite a bit.”
The
researchers randomly assigned the children to receive different types of
praise. For some of the children, they praised the action: “It was good that
you gave some of your marbles to those poor children. Yes, that was a nice and
helpful thing to do.” For others, they praised the character behind the action:
“I guess you’re the kind of person who likes to help others whenever you can.
Yes, you are a very nice and helpful person.”
A
couple of weeks later, when faced with more opportunities to give and share,
the children were much more generous after their character had been praised
than after their actions had been. Praising their character helped them
internalize it as part of their identities. The children learned who they were
from observing their own actions: I am a helpful person. This dovetails with new
research led by the psychologist Christopher J. Bryan, who finds that for moral
behaviors, nouns work better than verbs.
To
get 3- to 6-year-olds to help with a task
To
get 3- to 6-year-olds to help with a task, rather than inviting them “to help,”
it was 22 to 29 percent more effective to encourage them to “be a helper.”
Cheating was cut in half when instead of, “Please don’t cheat,” participants
were told, “Please don’t be a cheater.” When our actions become a reflection of
our character, we lean more heavily toward the moral and generous choices. Over
time it can become part of us.
Praise
appears to be particularly influential in the critical periods when children
develop a stronger sense of identity. When the researchers Joan E. Grusec and
Erica Redler praised the character of 5-year-olds, any benefits that may have
emerged didn’t have a lasting impact: They may have been too young to
internalize moral character as part of a stable sense of self. And by the time
children turned 10, the differences between praising character and praising
actions vanished: Both were effective. Tying generosity to character appears to
matter most around age 8, when children may be starting to crystallize notions
of identity.
Praise
in response to good behavior may be half the battle, but our responses to bad
behavior have consequences, too. When children cause harm, they typically feel
one of two moral emotions: shame or guilt. Despite the common belief that these
emotions are interchangeable, research led by the psychologist June Price
Tangney reveals that they have very different causes and consequences.
Teach
them to feel guilt rather than shame
Shame
is the feeling that I am a bad person, whereas guilt is the feeling that I have
done a bad thing. Shame is a negative judgment about the core self, which is
devastating: Shame makes children feel small and worthless, and they respond
either by lashing out at the target or escaping the situation altogether. In contrast,
guilt is a negative judgment about an action, which can be repaired by good
behavior. When children feel guilt, they tend to experience remorse and regret,
empathize with the person they have harmed, and aim to make it right.
In
one study spearheaded by the psychologist Karen Caplovitz Barrett, parents
rated their toddlers’ tendencies to experience shame and guilt at home. The
toddlers received a rag doll, and the leg fell off while they were playing with
it alone. The shame-prone toddlers avoided the researcher and did not volunteer
that they broke the doll. The guilt-prone toddlers were more likely to fix the
doll, approach the experimenter, and explain what happened. The ashamed
toddlers were avoiders; the guilty toddlers were amenders.
If
we want our children to care about others, we need to teach them to feel guilt
rather than shame when they misbehave. In a review of research on emotions and
moral development, the psychologist Nancy Eisenberg suggests that shame emerges
when parents express anger, withdraw their love, or try to assert their power
through threats of punishment: Children may begin to believe that they are bad
people. Fearing this effect, some parents fail to exercise discipline at all,
which can hinder the development of strong moral standards.
Expressing
disappointment
The
most effective response to bad behavior is to express disappointment. According
to independent reviews by Professor Eisenberg and David R. Shaffer, parents
raise caring children by expressing disappointment and explaining why the
behavior was wrong, how it affected others, and how they can rectify the
situation. This enables children to develop standards for judging their
actions, feelings of empathy and responsibility for others, and a sense of
moral identity, which are conducive to becoming a helpful person. The beauty of
expressing disappointment is that it communicates disapproval of the bad
behavior, coupled with high expectations and the potential for improvement:
“You’re a good person, even if you did a bad thing, and I know you can do
better.”
As
powerful as it is to criticize bad behavior and praise good character, raising
a generous child involves more than waiting for opportunities to react to the
actions of our children. As parents, we want to be proactive in communicating
our values to our children. Yet many of us do this the wrong way.
In
a classic experiment, the psychologist J. Philippe Rushton gave 140 elementary-
and middle-school-age children tokens for winning a game, which they could keep
entirely or donate some to a child in poverty. They first watched a teacher
figure play the game either selfishly or generously, and then preach to them
the value of taking, giving or neither. The adult’s influence was significant:
Actions spoke louder than words. When the adult behaved selfishly, children
followed suit. The words didn’t make much difference — children gave fewer
tokens after observing the adult’s selfish actions, regardless of whether the
adult verbally advocated selfishness or generosity.
When the adult acted
generously, students gave the same amount whether generosity was preached or
not — they donated 85 percent more than the norm in both cases. When the adult
preached selfishness, even after the adult acted generously, the students still
gave 49 percent more than the norm. Children learn generosity not by listening
to what their role models say, but by observing what they do.
To
test whether these role-modeling effects persisted over time, two months later
researchers observed the children playing the game again. Would the modeling or
the preaching influence whether the children gave — and would they even
remember it from two months earlier?
The
most generous children were those who watched the teacher give but not say
anything. Two months later, these children were 31 percent more generous than
those who observed the same behavior but also heard it preached. The message
from this research is loud and clear: If you don’t model generosity, preaching
it may not help in the short run, and in the long run, preaching is less
effective than giving while saying nothing at all.
People
often believe that character causes action, but when it comes to producing
moral children, we need to remember that action also shapes character. As the
psychologist Karl Weick is fond of asking, “How can I know who I am until I see
what I do? How can I know what I value until I see where I walk?”, Adam Grant
concluded his article. (Adam
Grant is a professor at the Wharton School of the University of
Pennsylvania and the author of Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to
Success. He is widely considered to be one of the most influential thought
leaders of his generation. Born: 1981; Education: University of Michigan,
Harvard College. Wikipedia) (HSH)
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