CHILDREN EDUCATION: THE IMPORTANCE OF TALKING WITH YOUR CHILDREN

The importance of talking with children

by Dr. Aisha Hamdan
Source: missionislam.com

Have you had a meaningful conversation together? Do you know what your child accomplished today, how he may be feeling, whether or not he has any concerns? Does your child know that you care about him?

In Islam, the ties of kinship and family are very strong and something that will always be present throughout our lifetime. There are very serious consequences for someone who decides to break these ties. Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, says,”Then, is it to be expected of you, if you were put in authority, that you will do mischief in the land, and break your ties of kith and kin?


Such are the men whom Allah has cursed for He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.” [Qur'an 47:22-23]. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said,”Whoever severs the bonds of kinship will not enter Paradise.” (Bukhari and Muslim).

A major component of our familial ties is communication. In fact, without communication there would be little connection between people. Living together in the same household with limited, or even hostile, interaction would not fit the criteria for maintaining the bonds of kinship.

To develop meaningful relationships within our families we need to know how to communicate effectively and sincerely with each other. A large part of this involves skills and principles that can be learned through practice and sincere effort. The following is a guide to strengthen these ties that bind.

1) Active Listening. 

You may be surprised to discover that the most important aspect of effective communication is listening. This means that the listener pays full attention to the speaker and attempts to understand what that person is saying and feeling. The listener should suspend judgment, show interest, and respect what is being said.

He or she may then restate the content and feelings to demonstrate that sincerity is present. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, always gave his full attention to anyone that he conversed with, even his enemies and those with whom he disagreed. When he addressed his companions, they listened intently and attached importance to everything he said.

2) Level of Understanding. 

Parents should always keep in mind the age and level of understanding of their child and should speak with him accordingly. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said “Speak to the people keeping in view their level of understanding.

Would you like to see them think of what you tell them from Allah and His Messenger as lies?” (Bukhari) This is important so that the child will be able to comprehend what is said, the expectations of the parents will not go beyond the capacity of the child and lead to problems, and difficulties will not be placed upon the child unnecessarily.

This is particularly pertinent for sensitive issues such as death, personal modesty issues, and adult responsibilities. There are various levels of complexity with each of these and the correct level needs to be chosen for each child. One way to ascertain this is by the type of questions that a child asks.

3) The Manners of a Mu’min. 

A believer is someone who believes in Allah’s Message and follows the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam. In relationships then, a believer would demonstrate honesty, kindness, patience, self-restraint, fairness, trustworthiness, etc.

He would avoid teasing, blaming, belittling, mocking, excessive and idle talk, and fault-finding. There are many Qur’anic verses and ahadeeth that give detailed descriptions of this topic such as: “Verily, Allah is with the patient.” [2: 153], “Speak fair to the people.” [2:83], “Kind words and covering of faults are better than charity followed by injury.” [2:263], “A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim.

 He does not wrong him, nor insult him nor humiliate him.” (Muslim), and “The thing which will make the majority of people enter Paradise is fear of Allah and good manners.” (Tirmithi) These principles should be applied in conversations with children and teenagers as well as adults.

It is probably even more important with young people because we are setting an example for them. What do we want our children to learn? We can not expect kindness and respect from our children if we are not being kind and respectful toward them.

4) Avoiding Contention. 

The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said, “If a man gives up contention when he is in the wrong, a house will be built for him within the Garden of Paradise; but if a man gives up contention, even when he is in the right, a house will be built for him in the loftiest part of the Garden.”

(Termithi) The value of this advice lies in the fact that contention and disputes lead to a breakdown in the relationship, even rancor, enmity, and hostility. I have worked with many families where this has occurred and it can be very difficult to mend the wounds that have been created and to bring family members back together. It goes without saying that it is best to completely avoid reaching this low level.

Let us all work to improve our style of communication and our relationships with each other. When our children feel that their parents understand them and are willing to listen to them, they will open up their hearts and trust will develop.

Effective teaching and discipline cannot be implemented without a certain level of trust, understanding, and mutual respect. If you are concerned about your children in a non-Muslim environment and it is affecting the way you interact with them, the best you can do is teach and advise them, give them responsibility, trust them, and let them know that you care for them.

We can then make du’a and rely upon Allah’s Grace and Assistance. This is our best weapon in a world of non-belief. May Allah help each of us to strengthen the ties that bind us together as a family and bring happiness and contentment to our homes.

PRACTICAL TIPS:

• Set aside some time each day to talk with your child. If you have more than one child, each should have their own equal, individual time.
• Read books with your child about Islam that pertain to relationships with others and stories about the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, and the companions, radiallaahu anhum. These will provide you with the necessary guidelines and inspiration.
• Tape record one of your conversations and rate yourself or have other give you feedback. This is an effective method to determine your weak areas and to improve upon them.
• Obtain advice from other parents when needed, especially those who have more experience. This may save time and avoid undue hardships and pain.

The importance of being there for our kids
by Abu Muhammad Yusuf
Source: muslimvillage.com


It’s a beautiful sunny day, Moosa and Fatima, two bubbly and vibrant 5 year old twins, try to draw their parent’s attention to the lovely sandcastles they had been constructing for hours in the garden. Dad is too busy viewing television and replying to emails on his Blackberry mobile while mum has for the last few hours been chatting with her friends and updating her Facebook page.

Mum and dad, hardly take notice of their kid’s achievement. Both parents are usually so involved in their work and social environments that they “hardly” get time for their kids.

Apart from the first four weeks spent with mum after birth both Moosa and Fatima have ever since infancy been inhabitants of a day care centre. In the evenings mum picks them up on her way back home from office. Dad returns usually late in the evening and both parents barely have time to interact with their kids before its time to sleep and wake-up again.

A strange phenomenon of children with both parents but are “modern day orphans”. Due to many parents deep engrossment in the material and social environment, they are unable to spend basic and vital time with their children, thus neglecting them and reducing them to the level of “modern day orphans”. Parents are there, but in reality they are not “there”.

Child neglect, very common type of child abuse, is a pattern of failing to provide for a child’s basic needs; it not only relates to lack of food, education and clothing but extends to the child’s emotional and spiritual needs as well as hygiene and supervision. Child neglect is not always easy to spot and the guilty parents are so often oblivious of this syndrome.

Recently a teacher from Primary School asked her students to write an essay about what they would like for them…
At the end of the day while marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional. Her husband, that had just walked in saw her crying and asked her, “What happened?”
She answered, “Read this. It’s one of my student’s essays.”

“Oh Allah, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place and have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk… I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working.

Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired and I want my mum to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me… and… I want my brothers to fight to be with me… I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me and last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them… Allah I don’t ask you for much… I just want to live like every TV.”
At that moment the husband said, “My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!”
She looked up at him and said, ‘That essay is our son’s!”

Makes you think doesn’t it? The significance of child neglect should come as no surprise, given the present day lack of parental care and nurturing. It is so crucial to offer our children care in terms of educational training, emotional support and spiritual guidance.

The heart of a child must be filled with love and Imaan (faith). A child’s mind must be entertained with proper guidance, knowledge and wisdom and not left to be nurtured by peer pressure, social networking, and immoral television programs.

Allah, the Most Exalted says:
“ O ye who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire …”(Qur’an- 66:6).
The Noble Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
“Everyone of you is a protector and guardian and responsible for your wards and things under your care and a man(parent) is a guardian of his family members, and is accountable for those placed under his charge.” (Hadith-Bukhari and Muslim)

Every word, facial expression, gesture, or action on the part of a parent gives the child some message about self-worth. It is sad that so many parents don’t realize what messages they are sending.
One of the greatest titles in the world is parent, and one of the biggest blessings in the world is to have caring and loving parents to call mum and dad. There is no friendship, no love, like that of the parent for the child.

Have fun with your kids, laugh with them, talk to them – children remember having fun more than they remember having things. When they’re older, they look back and remember fun things you did together, not the expensive play stations, ipods, mobiles or toys they had.

The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon hin) was casual and loving towards children. He once kissed his grandchild while another companion of his witnessed this action and said; “I have ten children and have never kissed one of them.” The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) cast a look at him and said, “Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully.” (Hadith-Al-Bukhari)

Children are a great boon both in this world and even more in the hereafter. The Noble Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, “When someone dies, their works (righteous acts) come to an end, apart from three: Sadaqah Jariyah (ongoing charity), beneficial knowledge, or a pious child who prays for them (the deceased).” (Related by Imam Muslim in his “Sahih”; Al-Tirmidhy, Al-Nasa’y and Imam Ahmad)

And never …yes never neglect and create “orphans” of them while both of you are still around. Children are indeed among our greatest assets. Love and care for them when they need it most and they will love and care for you when you need it most!

26 points on training children

by Based on points at islaam.org
Source: islaam.org

1. In play do not endanger the child by throwing a child in the air, suspending by his arms, or playing with him near windows and other dangerous places.
2. Do not playfully chase a child, for perhaps he may slip and hurt himself.
3. Do not say or speak of shameful things in the presence of children.
4. While the merit is considerable for training children in general, caring for and training girls are acts of greater merit.
5. When training and generally dealing with children, be moderate – being neither too strict (harsh) nor too lax.
6. Children should be taught not to immediately eat things people give them. They should bring such things home and eat them in the presence of their parents if they consent.
7. Teach them to wash their hands before eating and to eat or drink with their right hands.
8. Inculcate in them the habit of eating less so that they are saved from sickness and greed.
9. Inculcate in children the habit of cleaning their teeth, especially with a Miswaak (toothstick).
10. Teach them to refrain from asking any of their needs from anyone other than their seniors (parents, grand-parents etc.).
11. Teach them never to accept gifts from anyone without the consent of their elders.
12. Do not assume that they will automatically acquire manners and etiquette when they have grown up. Inculcate good character in them from a tender age. No one learns on his own accord. By reading they will gain the general knowledge, but still they will lack the essential training and refinement. A lack of training will result in the grown up children behaving in an unrefined manner. Furthermore, they will, unknowingly, cause difficulties and inconvenience to others.
13. Teach children to act with modesty, especially when answering the call of nature. They should not reveal themselves to others.
14. When your child has wronged someone or is at fault, never act partially. Do not side with your child, especially in his presence. To do so is to corrupt his character.
15. Be watchful of your children’s behavior towards servants and the children of servants. Ensure that they do not trouble the servants or their children. On account of their subordinate social rank, they may not complain, but in their hearts they will curse. Even if they do not curse, the misfortune of sin and injustice will be tasted.
16. As far as possible, ensure that they learn under suitably qualified teachers.
17. Do not punish them while in anger. Either remove them from your presence when you are angry or go away. Later, when the anger has subsided, reflect thrice and then only mete out appropriate punishment.
18. When the need arises to physically punish a child, be firm but not abusive or violent – do not use heavy sticks nor fists. Do not kick the child nor slap him in the face. Also do not hit him on the head.
19. Teach children the full names of their parents and grandparents as well as their addresses. Now and then ask them about this so that they remember. The benefit of this is that, Allah forbid, should they get lost, they will be able to state their identity to the one who finds them. In this way they will be returned home.
20. Children who are studying should be given such nutrition which is good for the brain.
21. When the need arises for girls to leave the home precincts, do not adorn them with jewellery.
22. Emphasize to girls that they should not play with boys. The character of both boys and girls will be corrupted by such intermingling.
23. If a boy from another house comes to your home, instruct the girls to go out of sight even though the boy may be small.
24. If any children come to you for education, do not take anything in return from them. Treat them like your own children.
25. Teach children not to face the Qiblah in the toilet nor to turn their back towards the Qiblah in the toilet. Teach them the rules of Tahaarat (ritual purification) of cleaning themselves in the toilet.
26. When a child is obstinate in demanding a thing, do not fulfill his demand.

  (http://muslimvillage.com)