WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MARRIAGE?: THE SPIRIT OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM

The spirit of marriage in Islam

by Irshaad Hussain
Source: IslamiCity.com

The Prophet  was once asked, “What is more important than prayer?” He replied, “The spirit of prayer” – the spirit that animates the prayer. He was asked what is more important than fasting – he replied, the spirit of fasting. For each question concerning an Islamic practice the answer was the same – because the spirit brings the action to life and unfolds its potentials.

Without this animating spirit, the prayer is only movement, and the fasting only hunger. But when spirit enters, when a pure and concentrated intention enters, the action is transformed – the prayer gains the potential to become a miraj (an elevating spiritual journey), and the one fasting approaches towards the potential to witness laylatul qadr (the night of destiny – a night when blessings from the spiritual world descend to this world).


So what is more important than marriage? It is the spirit of marriage, the intention which underlies it, the treasures which it contains hidden within it but which must be brought out and realized by the married couple themselves.

The qur’an provides the signposts and way-marks for learning about this potential. It says:
“It is He who created you from a single soul, And made its mate of like nature in order that you might dwell with her in love….” (Qur’an 7:189) So the male and female complete each other – together they make a single self and this is how they must strive to make their lives together – as if they are one being, one person, one spirit.

The Qur’an says: “Your wives are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them.” (Qur’an 2:187) So a husband and wife complete each other – each one takes on a new aspect of their humanity, a new facet and depth to their personality by entering into marriage and this is symbolized in this verse.

Garments also conceal the body and protect the wearer so that a husband and wife are each other’s protectors and helpers and each of them safeguards their partner’s honor shaping the state of marriage into a haven and a sanctuary where each should feel safe and secure, sheltered in one another’s care and guardianship.

The qur’an also says “And of everything we created a pair, that happily you may remember.” (Qur’an 51:49) The word for spouse, “zawj”, (this is the word that is used in the marriage ceremony, the Nikkah ceremony) – the word zawj literally means one part of a pair – and when the pair come together and act in concert with one another, then concealed potentials within them, potentials that were impossible to realize while they were apart make themselves evident. This is true throughout creation.

 And human marriage in the Qur’an is considered a reflection of a nature and tendency that exists at all levels of creation. When something is created as one part of a pair it is clearly incomplete without the other – as the Qur’an states, “He himself created the pair, male and female.” (Qur’an 53:45)

The term nikkah which is used for marriage is also used figuratively to describe the coming together of various aspects of creation. For example it says, in the Qur’an, that “the rain married the soil” and then it describes how, from this intimate mingling, something new springs forth – that the earth brings forth flowers and herbage, it opens to new creations, new life, new potentials.

So the act of marriage, the mingling through nikah, according to Islam, courses through all things, through all of creation. Each pair of the marriage brings something necessary and something unique to the marriage. The pairs are not identical but complimentary to one another and their unique qualities when they are mingled together produce that which neither one alone could produce.

So each individual of the pair undergoes change and transformation when they come together in marriage because marriage is an intimate mingling of the selves, the souls, the personalities and the beings of two individuals.

In human marriage the change takes place at many levels – from a change in lifestyle, to changes in behavior, to changes in the very soul of the person. And there must be that willingness, on the part of both individuals, to allow this unifying transformation to take place.

To accept the self the way it is, is to lock oneself into stagnation and narrowness and to remain an individual – not part of an intimately joined pair. It is to limit and lock up the potential, the beauty and strength that is capable of emerging from the intimate unity made possible through marriage.

Since “God created everything in pairs”, as it states in the Qur’an, and since He “created the male and the female from a single nature, from a single self”, it is God that is the point of reference for the married pair. “He has set up the balance…” of all things, so He is to be looked for to set all things in the right equilibrium. If the two partners of a marriage set themselves in correct relation to God then certainly a perfect balance will be realized within their lives together.

Love is a movement towards unity, towards oneness, and since God is One, “the closer the heart is to Oneness, the stronger the power of love is within it.”

Love is a movement towards unity, towards oneness. “God made their hearts familiar” (Qur’an 8:63) through the light of Oneness that yields spiritual love and familiarity in the heart. For love is the shadow of Oneness, familiarity the shadow of love, and balance the shadow of familiarity.”

Let married couples be helpers and protectors of one another, let them be a refuge and a comfort to one another, let them be beautiful garments for one another, and let them together experience the many treasures and beauties of marriage.

Keeping a healthy marriage

by Jamiatul Ulama (KZN)
Source: beautifulislam.net

Amidst busy schedules and tasks on the parts of both women and men, Muslim husbands and wives tend to forget the real reasons behind marriage and likewise the rights of each other. Subsequently, they deprive themselves, their mates and their children of the happiness and tranquility that is the bedrock of a successful family. This unbalanced vision towards a couple’s ideal relationship is bad enough to plunge the family into a situation laden with troubles and worries.

Negative Relationship Results from Lack of Understanding

Some Muslim spouses relate to each other like adversaries rather than life time partners. The husband assumes the position of dictator, and whatever he says is not law. The wife on the other hand feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband.

Some wives do not express their gratitude to their husbands irrespective of how much the man may do for her. Instead they adopt an attitude of ‘never enough’ and make the husband feel like a failure if he does not provide every want and desire their extravagant lifestyles dictate.

Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in family matters. Moreover certain husbands become so cold and miserly that even the basic expenditure for the house is difficult to come by.

These situations betray a lack of understanding regarding the institution of nikah or marriage in Islam. What follows are some tips to restore/maintain balance and understanding in the home.

Nikah – A divine institution

It should be understood that the nikah bond has been divinely established for the welfare and upkeep of a healthy and progressive community. It shouldn’t be unjustly utilised as a vehicle to perpetrate oppression, deception, humiliation, and abuse.

Allah Ta’ala describes marriage very differently in the Noble Quran: “And from his signs are, He created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may live in tranquility with them, and instilled love and mercy between your (hearts) . . . ” (30:21)

Head of the Home

It should also be appreciated that the position Islam has accorded to the man as the head of the home is a responsibility which will be accounted for, rather than a privilege which should be abused. We are taught to treat our wives well. Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) has reported to have said: “The person possessing the most perfect faith is one who has excellent behaviour, and the best among you are those who are best towards their wives” (Mishkat)

Be Partners in Decision Making

It is important to follow the principle of “Shura,” (consultation) and make decisions as a family. Implementing this Sunnah within the home increases harmony and love between family members. It will also assist in enhancing trust and loyalty between spouses and the children.

Abuse

Abstain totally from every form of emotional, mental, or physical abuse to your spouse. The Hadith questions the manhood of a person who beats his wife up during the day and derives pleasure from her during the night.

Watch Your Words

Be very careful what you say when you are upset. The wounds afflicted to the heart of a person by words will never heal and remain a lifelong memory. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry. Apply the directives found in the Hadith for suppression of anger.

Work Together in the House

Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) consistently assisted his wives with household chores. When Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) did not consider the housework trivial, how can we today obligate our wives to all the house work and much more.

Communication is Important

Talk to each other, communicate, have a dialogue, but do it respectfully. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until they explode.

Live Simply

Do not envy or cast your gaze towards those spouses who seem to be living a more luxurious life than your family. Be pleased with what you have. The grass will always look greener on the other side.

The wealthiest person is the one who has attained contentment of heart. To develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not those who have more. Repeatedly thank Allah Ta’ala for the many blessings in your life.

Admit Your Mistakes

When you make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never sleep angry with each other.

Past Problems

Everything that has happened is history. Repent for the past and live for the future. Do not focus discussion on the past unless it is something that will make both of you laugh.

Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice, empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Following these basic principles should help any marriage to improve. The essence of them all can be summed up in one sentence: Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated.

Duaa for a blissful marriage

“Allahumma rabana hab lana min azwaajinaa wa zurriyyatina qurrata a-ayun waj-alna lil muttaqeena imaama.” (O Allah! grant us such wives and offspring who will be a source of coolness for our eyes, and make us leaders of the Allah-Fearing). And success is with Allah alone.

Love and intimacy for Muslims

by Umm Reem
Source: MuslimMatters.org
 
One day a sister dropped by to pick up something and saw me dressed up with make-up and jewelry, so she assumed I was going somewhere. When I told her I wasn’t, the reason I dressed up surprised her. I told her, “Because it is about time for my husband to return from work.” She said, “You still get ready for your husband?” “Yes, what do you mean “still”?!” I asked. She said, “I used to do that in the beginning of the marriage and then I don’t it anymore.”

Unfortunately this is a common scenario among many Muslim married sisters. In fact, one of the most common complaints husbands have against their wives is that the wives don’t beautify themselves at home.

I have personally observed many Muslim sisters stop taking care of themselves once they get married. Some married sisters only dress up when they go out and while others don’t even bother with that. For some, abaya and hijab become a perfect “cover up” for outside the house and a t-shirt and sweat pants become the perfect lounge-wear for inside the house!

Reasons Why Sisters Don’t Dress Up:

I cannot generalize the reasons why sisters stop taking interest in taking care of themselves at home, but I want to highlight 2 main points:

1. Once married to a practicing brother, sisters assume their knight in shining armor won’t be interested in their looks but, rather, in their imaan. They believe their beauty lies in their “piety.”
2. Husbands don’t express their desire in seeing their wives dressed up. Or, when their wives dress up, they don’t bother to compliment them, which confuses the wife into thinking, “He does not care.”

Beauty and Piety are Two Separate Characteristics:

Let’s remember, piety may add to a person’s inner beauty which may reflect through physical appearance; however, they both are independent characteristics.
There is no prohibition in looking good; in fact, to physically beautify oneself to please one’s husband and keep him happy is not only a praiseworthy act but also a means to earn reward from Allah azza wa jall.

When the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam was asked which woman was best, he replied, “The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command….” (Nasa’i)

Hence, sisters, please on a daily basis before your husband returns home:

• Take a shower (make sure you are not smelling like food)
• Change your clothes.
• Wash your face with cleanser/scrub.
• Put light make up on. Please don’t use the excuse, “I don’t know how to.”
• Wear some jewelry.
• Show some creativity with your hair. Remember frizzy hair can be taken care of with gel, mousse, hair spray, hair straightener etc.
• Use your perfume everyday and not only when you visit a friend.

Moreover, try to get a facial done once in a while. If you can’t afford to, there are millions of products available at very reasonable prices for home facials/deep cleaning.

Dear sisters, abaya should not be used to cover up weight gain, and neither should the hijab keep frizzy/unkempt hair covered. I understand that a t-shirt and sweat pants are the most comfortable clothing but it needs to be changed before your husband get back home.

Husbands: Pay Attention & Don’t be Stingy with Words:

In the early days of marriage, since husbands are “new,” it is important to look good. As the time passes and the couple becomes more comfortable around each other, it is only natural to become more informal. I remember the first time I wore my glasses in front of my husband was after SIX months of our marriage!

Compliments are incentives for looking good. For non-hijaabis it is easier to stay focused about their looks since their appearance is visible in public.

On the other hand, once a person is covered behind abaya and hijaab, it is easier to become careless about one’s appearance; besides, “who is going to look?”. This is where a husband’s attention and compliments become essential.  A wife desires attention from her husband. If she feels her husband appreciates her dressing up and taking care of herself, it will encourage her to take care of herself. Hence, husbands please:

• Pay attention to your wife on a daily basis
• Show interest in her looks, clothes and her overall appearance
• Encourage her by buying her clothes you would like her to wear
• When she is dressed up, make sure you praise her.
• When she is not, remind her gently

Marriage is a mutual bond of understanding and give and take. This issue, too, requires an effort on both sides.

And finally, it’s never too late to start young.  Parents, some advice for your young girls:

• Train your daughters to take care of themselves from a young age.
• Instill a habit of working out regularly so they become accustomed to maintaining their physique.
• Allow them to wear jewelry at home and even let them experiment with make up so when they get married and should be adorning themselves for their husbands, the intimidation factor isn’t there. Wearing make-up and jewelry won’t become a burden, but rather a daily ritual.
• Train them to dress nicely and keep a pleasant demeanor every day at home in front of their family.

By taking these subtle steps you prepare them for some lifelong habits that will only make their marital life more pleasant inshaAllah.
(http://muslimvillage.com)